expiry date

i've read in the papers earlier that the world's oldest man died yesterday, a japanese, he was 113.or simply put it, a mortal with an older-than-usual age just died yesterday.next to 113 or no matter how old, we don't know exactly when, is death. unscheduled, unexpected most of the time but clearly inevitable. we do not have a definite expiry date as compared to food products like canned goods and perishable goods. we will perish without any notification like our monthly bills. and perhaps the most feared aspect of dying is that we do not how we are going to face it, it's not death itself but how we are going to die. majority or almost all would prefer a peaceful death, who wouldn't want that anyway? i share the same desire. death, as peaceful as can be.

the very thought of death, as i've observed and even experienced, drives people to be good and do good. goodness comes out everytime one realizes how short life is, how one has wasted so much time on useless and senseless things, yes, the very thought of death temporarily makes an individual resolve that he has to make use of his time wisely. it's temporary, let's not forget that man is a forgetful being. forgetting is the only thing he doesn't forget. man may be aware of this fact but he, as expected, forgets. as soon as man forgets the reality that he is mortal, he goes back to his old ways. it's a vicious circle of forgetting and realizing that this life is full of limitations.

was Rizal ambidextrous?

let us give some time to reflect on freedom as we commemorate Philippine independence.

i started early today, for morning exercise, biking and jogging. i passed by Naga City Hall, it's near our place, outside the main building is a statue of Rizal with an enlarged right hand making a gesture. The hand wasn't there about ten years ago. i remember we had a good laugh at that statue way back, i was with my grandma and she noticed the unusually big hand newly installed on the right arm of the statue. it doesn't matter if he was right-handed, left-handed, or what do we know? he probably was ambidextrous. i saw paintings where Rizal is writing using his right hand. let's just assume he was right-handed. trivial as it may seem, the point here is that he wrote and by what he wrote, fought for freedom and died for it.patriotic martyrdom as we call it. the absence of his right hand is somehow symbolic, it's more of a call for every citizen to be his right hand, to continue to fight for sacred freedom.

a question arises, for more than a hundred and ten years, are we really free as a nation?

or are we merely enjoying freedom in the nominal sense?

can we gladly claim that we are experiencing actual freedom?or do we just hope for an ideal one and find it impossible since it's becoming a hopeless case as time passes? what is real freedom?

now with Rizal's enlarged right hand, he'd be slapping our faces for what we have done.

freedom is clearly not doing whatever we want or whatever we like to do. for if this is the case, this country would be suffering from chaos. it's happening though, corrupt politicians and various scandals exist. it has always been a struggle for power and different forms of abuse after attaining it. after attaining power, the person experiences unexplainable hunger for more, it's what we call greed. is there any freedom in greed? i don't think so. i remember a cabinet member, who's also an excellent economist, instructing one of his subordinates: 'moderate their greed.' this is already coming from what i believed as a man of good principles. greed or even corruption as an acceptable activity in the government. where the people's taxes go.... moderation of some politician's greed. we can't blame that  economist. the one at the top knows this very well, and probably tolerates greed in moderation. 'Do everything in moderation', as Aristotle would put it, but clearly, not greed. Greed is in itself something you cannot moderate for the fact that it is  greed! Wanting more when one already has enough. But then again, let's not just focus on the government, let's look at individuals, ourselves, and how we apply our shallow understanding of freedom, it's as simple as throwing our trash anywhere we want to. i saw this a lot of times. indolence and making reasons why people can't land a good job. anyway, 'it's the government's fault' is a very handy answer.

'freedom is not doing what we want but what we ought to do.' i believe this is from the late Pope John Paul II. since people/citizens makes a country, we have to work from the individual perspective. if each individual has a clear understanding that the price of freedom is indeed responsibility, we won't have to point our fingers on who's fault is it. it's ours anyway, it was collectively done. this country wouldn't be like this if we didn't permit it to be so.  

for us to truly attain freedom, we have to have an awareness of what it really is and what it entails. and it just doesn't stop with awareness, we also have to act.

a 30-minute entry

this month would not end without writing another entry. i decided to give the activity about 30 mins. and work with the randomness of human thought. i have nothing much to do today, perhaps read,  the family business just closed yesterday...for good, yes, i really think it's for common good, summum bonum for Aristotle. i felt sick last night for taking a lot of my favorite beer and also a lot of food. now, what's my next plan? i'm thinking about the academe, probably teach part-time, i can't work full-time with a boss babbling everytime one commits a mistake. 

i've been reading the papers lately,  main events include a sex scandal and a deadly disease spreading in the country. this has perhaps become a country of disease, literally and figuratively.

is there any cure to these? the politicians are doing all they can to get a big share of popularity from these events.

i have probably reached, just like any other citizen, point of indifference. i know what's happening but what's new?i've grown cynical, whether one does something good or not, it's always distrust for them. save some of my known good friends. ah, we have to make exceptions to balance things. isn't it a clear case of hypocrisy? probably, but it isn't a great case. we all have peter's and judas' inside us. 

finally, i'm thinking about voting on next year's elections, another exception.  indifference or active awareness and responsiblity tells me that i may need to vote even if the elites choose to  play with our sacred ballots or so we think it is. i say it's not just the government's role to change the face of the country but every citizen involved. so much for clean ideals. 30 minutes has elapsed. short passing of time and my random thoughts.

moth of time

I was checking our shelves for some books two days ago and found this. It's a book entitled, 'A Stone, A Leaf, A Door', a collection of poems by Thomas Wolfe. I tried browsing the book and found a long poem, it consumed eleven pages of the book. Here it is:

This Is Man

by Thomas Wolfe

For what is man?

First, a child,  soft-boned,

Unable to support itself on its rubbery legs,

Befouled with its excrement,

That howls and laughs by turns,

Cries for the moon 

But hushes when it gets it's mother's teat ;

A sleeper, eater, guzzler,

Howler, laugher, idiot,

And a chewer of its toe;

A little tender thing

All blubbered with its spit,

A reacher into fires,

A beloved fool.

After that, a boy,

Hoarse and loud before his companions,

But afraid of the dark;

Will beat the weaker and avoid the stronger;

Worships strength and savagery,

Loves tales of war and murder, and violence done to 

        others;

Joins gangs and hates to be alone;

Makes heroes out of soldiers, sailors,

Prize-fighters, football players,

Cowboys, gunmen, and detectives;

Would rather die than not out-try

And out-dare his companions,

Wants to beat them and always to win,

Shows his muscle

And demands that it be felt,

Boasts of his victories

And will never own defeat.

Then the youth:

Goes after girls, is foul behind their backs

Among the drugstore boys,

Hints at a hundred seductions,

But gets pimples on his face;

Begins to think about his clothes,

Becomes a fop, greases his hair,

Smokes cigarettes with a dissipated air,

Reads novels, and writes poetry on the sly.

He sees the world now

As a pair of legs and breasts;

He knows hate, love, and jealousy;

He is cowardly and foolish,

He cannot endure to be alone;

He lives in a crowd, thinks with the crowd,

Is afraid to be marked off from his fellows

By an eccentricity.

He joins clubs and is afraid of ridicule;

He is bored and unhappy

And wretched most of the time.

There is a great cavity in him,

He is dull.

Then the man:

He is busy,

He is full of plans and reasons,

He has work.

He gets children,

Buys and sells small packets of everlasting earth,

Intrigues against his rivals,

Is exultant when he chaets them.

He wastes his little three-score years and ten

In spendthrift and inglorious living;

From his cradle to his grave

He scarcely sees

The sun or moon or stars;

He is unconscious of the immortal sea and earth;

He talks of the future

And he wastes it as it comes.

If he is lucky, he saves money.

At the end, his fat purse buys him flunkeys

To carry him where his shanks no longer can;

He consumes rich food and golden wine

That his wretched stomach has no hunger for;

His weary and lifeless eyes

Look out upon the scenery of strange lands

For which in youth his heart was painting.

Then the slow death,

Prolonged by costly doctors;

And finally the graduate undertakers,

The perfumed carrion,

The suave ushers with palms outspread to leftwards,

The fast motor-hearses,

And the earth again.

This is man:

A writer of books, a putter-down of words,

A painter of pictures,

A maker of ten thousand philosophies,

He grows passionate over ideas,

He hurls scorn and mockery at another's work,

He finds the one way, the true way, for himself,

And calls all others false-

Yet in the billion books upon the shelves

There is not one that can tell him

How to draw a single fleeting breath

In peace and comfort.

He makes histories of the universe,

He directs the destiny of nations,

But he does not know his own history,

And he cannot direct his own destiny

With dignity or wisdom

For ten consecutive minutes.

This is man:

For the most part

A foul, wretched, abominable creature,

A packet of decay,

A bundle of degenerating tissues,

A creature that gets old and hairless

And has a foul breath,

A hater of his kind,

A cheater, a scorner,

A mocker, a reviler,

A thing that kills and murders in a mob

Or in the dark,

Loud and full of brag surrounded by his fellows,

But without the courage of a rat, alone.

He will cringe for a coin,

And show his snarling fangs behind the giver's back;

He will cheat for two sous,

And kill for forty dollars,

And weep copiously in court

To keep another scoundrel out of jail.

This is man,

Who will steal his friend's woman,

Feel the leg of his host's wife below the table-cloth,

Dump fortunes on his whores,

Bow down in worship before charlatans,

And let his poets die.

This is man,

Who swears who will live only

For beauty, for art, for the spirit,

But will live only

For fashion,

And will change his faith and his convictions

As soon as fashion changes.

This is man,

The great warrior with a flaccid gut,

The great romantic with the barren loins,

The eternal knave devouring the eternal fool,

The most glorious of all the animals,

Who uses his brain for the most part

To make himself a stench

In the nostrils of the Bull, the Fox, 

The Dog, the Tiger, and the Goat.

Yes, this is man,

And it is impossible to say the worst of him,

For the record of his obscene existence,

His baseness, lust, cruelty, and treachery,

Is illimitable.

His life is also full of toil, tumult, and suffering.

His days are mainly composed

Of a million idiot repetitions-

In goings and comings along hot streets,

In sweatings and freezings,

In the senseless accumulation of fruitless tasks,

In decaying and  being patched,

In grinding out his life

So that he may buy bad food,

In eating bad food

So that he may grind his life out

In destressful defecations.

He is the dweller on that ruined tenement

Who, from one moment's breathing to another,

Can hardly forget the bitter weight of his uneasy flesh,

The thousand diseases and distresses of his body,

The growing incubus of his corruption.

This is man,

Who, if he can remember ten golden moments of joy

        and happiness

Out of all his years,

Ten moments unmarked by care,

Unseamed by aches or itches,

Has power to lift himself with his expiring breath,

And say: "I have lived upon this earth

And known glory!"

This is man,

And one wonders why he wants to live at all.

A third of his life is lost and deadened under sleep;

Another third is given to a sterile labor;

A sixth is spent in all his goings and his comings;

In the moil and shuffle of the streets,

In thrusting, shoving, pawing.

How much for him is left, then,

For a vision of the tragic stars?

How much of him is left

To look upon the everlasting earth?

How much of him is left for glory

And the making of great songs?

A few snatched moments only

From the barren glut and suck of living.

Here, then, is man,

This moth of time,

This dupe of brevity and numbered hours,

This travesty of waste and sterile breath.

Yet if the gods could come here

To  a desolate, deserted earth

Where only the ruin of man's cities remained,

Where only a few marks and carvings of his hand

Were legible upon his broken tablets,

Where only a wheel lay rusting in the desert sand,

A cry would burst out of their hearts

And they would say:

"He lived, and he was here!"

Behold his works:

He needed speech to ask for bread-and he had Christ!

He needed songs to sing in battle-and he had Homer!

He needed words to curse his enemies-

And he had Dante, he had Voltaire, he had Swift!

He needed cloth to cover up his hairless, puny flesh

        against the seasons-

And he wove the robes of Solomon,

He made the garments of great kings,

He made the samite for the young knights!

He needed walls and a roof to shelter him-

And he made Blois!

He needed a temple to propitiate his God-

And he made Chartres and Fountains Abbey!

He was born to creep upon the earth-

And he made great wheels,

He sent great engines thundering down the rails,

He launched great wings into the air,

He put great ship upon the angry sea!

Plagues wasted him,

And cruel wars destroyed his sons,

Bbut fire, flood, and famine could not quench him.

No, nor the inexorable grave-

His sons leaped shouting from his dying loins.

The shaggy bison with his thews of thunder

Died upon the plains;

The fabled mammoths of the unrecorded ages

Are vast scaffoldings of dry insensate loam;

The panthers have learned caution

And move carefully among tall grasses to the water-

        hole;

And man lives on

Amid the senseless nihilism of the universe.

For there is one belief, one faith,

That is man's glory, his triumph, his immortality-

And that is his belief in life.

Man loves life,

And loving life, hates death,

And because of this he is great, he is glorious,

He is beautiful, and his beauty is everlasting.

He lives below the senseless stars

And writes his meanings in them.

He lives in fear, in toil,

In agony, and in unending tumult,

But if the blood foamed bubbling from his wounded 

        lungs

At every breath he drew,

He would still love life more dearly

Than an end of breathing.

Dying, his eyes burn beautifully,

And the old hunger shines more fiercely in them-

He has endured all the hard and purposeless suffering,

And still he wants to live.

Thus it is impossible to scorn this creature.

For out of his strong belief in life,

This puny man made love.

At his best,

He is love.

Without him 

There can be no love,

No hunger, no desire.

So this is man-the worst and best of him-

This frail and petty thing

Who lives his day

And dies like all other animals,

And is forgotten.

And yet, he is immortal, too.

For both the good and evil that he does

Live after him.

Why, then, should any living man

Ally himself with death,

And, in his greed and blindness,

Batten on his brother's blood?

When I read the whole poem, it wasn't difficult to understand unlike poems  made by other poets like Shakespeare, Cummings or Frost. It sounded more like a reflection in verse form, the way it was written gives value to every word. Words tend to be heavy basing it from the structure of the stanzas...every line gives a strong emotion. The part where the poet said that man is just a 'moth of time' but that 'he is great, he is glorious'  really struck me.  This is similar to what Pascal said that 'man is a reed...but he is a thinking reed.' Clearly paradoxical, puny but great, weak but strong, almost saying that man is himself a paradox. The poem sounds existentialist, the center of meaning is in man's very existence. If Descartes said 'Cogito ergo sum.' (I think therefore I am.)

An existentialist like Unamuno would say 'Sum ergo cogito.'(I am therefore I think.)

World Digital Library

Here's something booklovers could look forward to. 

The World Digital Library will launch on 21 April 2oo9.

The website will provide free access to rare books, maps, photographs, rare recordings, musical scores and films from cultures around the world.

http://www.worlddigitallibrary.org

It's an ongoing project of UNESCO and US Library of Congress 

profound

The only thing that consoles us for our miseries is diversion. And yet it is the greatest of our miseries. For it is that above all which prevents us thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to destruction. But for that we should be bored, and boredom would drive us to seek some more solid means of escape, but diversion passes our time and brings us imperceptibly to our death.

                                                               - Pensees no. 414, Blaise Pascal

We  say a statement (and the person who said it)  is profound when we find it deep, almost inconceivable. We tend to see the limitation of our thoughts as compared to the person who said that profound statement. Silence is the only ready answer we'd choose. Silence, as they say, could only mean two things after a profound statement; it's either one really understands what has been said and opts to ponder on it in silence or one, this is the case most of the time, did not understand what has been said and would rather not show ignorance. 

As for the profound person or just those who sound profound, we have two ways of proving or two ways to validate if they really are. First is that they know the difference between 'knowing' and 'believing'. Mere knowledge of something is quite easy, it's as simple as knowing an information after reading a book. Knowing how to say them may make a little difference, as to show that he is an intelligent person, that he is capable of saying 'profound' things. Believing is quite far from knowing, it's when after reading a book, the person looks for more out of thirst and hunger for wisdom and tries to apply what he has read out of deep understanding. Believing is knowing and having a deep understanding  of what the person knows.

The second way to see if a person is really profound is when the profound statement is a product of what he practices, of how he lives his life. Being profound is beyond mere words, people as rational beings would look for those words in the person's action and character. Being profound is more than just speaking wise words or expressing deep thoughts, it is when we act out of wisdom and when we practice the different virtues to mould character. 

Let us be not like the pharisees, do what they say but don't imitate what they do.

order

Take care of order and order will take care of you. - St. Augustine


it is high time to reorganize how i run things, looking at how i've spent my days in laxity here in the province. i'm losing focus. my priorities are all cluttered, not knowing which is to be given much importance. i thought it would be much easier in the absence of a corporate boss, but the burden is heavier than before.all i have now is myself to drag to work. sure, i have my goals, but how to put them in the right place is, as i see it, a very difficult thing to do.
when i reflect, i read what i find relevant to the current topic. the readings serve as a guide to widen my considerations regarding the matter.for this i've read joseph l. soria's booklet entitled 'order'. here's an excerpt from the reading which i found really helpful:

"Let's look at two rather frequent attitudes towards the availability and use of time:
a) that of thinking we don't have enough time to do all that we have to do, and
b) that of thinking we have more than enough time.
The first arises when we do have a good appreciation of time, but don't know how to use it in an orderly way. The second is when--because of a different kind of disorder, or idleness -- we forget that time is a gift and that it is a limited good.

I don't have enough time

Many if not most cases of lack of time are really lacks of order: either we don't know how to organize ourselves well, or we are trying to do more things than we can and should do, and this is also a disorder. If we don't have enough time, it may be that we are not attacking our jobs in the order of their importance, or that the same kind of disorder is leading us to use more time than is necessary.

Do I have more time than I need?

Unfortunately, our most common mistake is to forget that time is limited and to fail to properly evaluate the quantity and quality of things that we have to do in this space of time...if time were only gold, you could perhaps afford to squander it. But time is life, and you don't know how much you have left.
A hardworking person makes good use of time , for time is not only money, it is glory! He does as he ought and concentrates on what he is doing, not out of routine nor to while away the passing hours, but as the result of attentive and pondered reflection. This is what makes man diligent.
Our everyday usage of this word 'diligent' already gives us some idea of its Latin origin. 'Diligent' comes from the verb 'diligere', which means to love, to appreciate, to choose something after careful consideration and attention. The diligent man does not rush into things. He does his work thoughtfully and lovingly.

Conclusion

We shouldn't feel discouraged, if at some moment -- perhaps after reading these pages-- we become especially conscious of the disorder in our lives. Little by little, with patience and discipline, we can set about acquiring the habits that provide the framework of order that we need."

calaguas getaway

14 March 2009

0540- left naga city, rode an ordinary bus going to daet. Php 94.00.

0800-arrived at daet diversion road, trike to jeepney terminal. Php 7.00

0810- rode jeepney to vinzons.Php 8.00

0820-vinzons.trike going to 'pier'. met the team.Php 7.00

0830-sabang.picked-up ice box for seafood bought earlier at vinzons pier.this is where james 23 (ramon's the real name) joined, along with edwin. they were our 'guides'.

0900-trip to calaguas. 2 hours. big waves. blue water.they started the motor/engine, not knowing that it would be one wild ride.i only realized the trouble i was in when our puny banca fought with the big waves. it wasn't an easy ride. Php 375.00/person

1100-arrived at mahabang buhangin (long beach), calaguas group of islands. it was pure awe for me while the banca was approaching the island. pristine is the right word to describe the place. there is still such a place, i've read they're planning to develop the place to another boracay. after the wild ride...there was paradise...waiting...it was just the sound of the engine, the waves, and the island's silence. 'the grandeur of God's works' as my aunt said in her comment when she saw the photos.

1100-1430- prepared lunch. ate lunch.grilled pork chops. grilled tuna. tomato soup. played twister. conversations. siesta. six of us went there. a bunch of first-timers in the place.to spend some quality time even for a finite period.it was my best friend (pompo) who invited me as he was fond of such activities, he was with his team, a mountaineering group. i saw how organized they were. it was like a team building event, one is given a role, participate and be effective at it. i was more of spectator,come supper i was a cook.i brought a can of cranberry and a can of mushrooms just to add to what they bought. cranberry's a bit weird. they made fun of it. i also found it a bit unusual, but we made a good dessert out of it during supper.renz opened a bottle of cuatro cantos (gin) and mixed half of it with powdered juice, added some water and we started to drink it using a shot glass, joyce and summer joined as well. while j and pompo didn't.

1430-went to the source of spring water. about one kilometer or more away from the camping site. the water tasted clean. it was refreshing after a long walk.

1500-conversations.merienda. the other half of cuatro cantos was consumed as well.

1600-went to the coastal community (james 23, pompo, renz and i), barrio mangkawayan to look for some fish and alcohol. it's a 3 kilometer walk from the shore. met mang renato, an official(one of the councilors) along the way and he served as our guide. he showed us the place and discussed briefly the livelihood of the community. they mainly get their livelihood from fishing and selling other seafood like octopus, abalone, and sea cucumber.we bought a 4-kilo tanigue (narrow barred spanish mackerel).about a quarter was used to make kilawin (similar to ceviche). the the other quarter was grilled. half of the fish (head

part) was eaten for breakfast, the head was grilled and the rest was used for fish steak.mang renato told us that lambanog (coconut wine/gin) is great in the place. we bought six servings (one serving = a bilog bottle of gin= Php 14.50).

from what i have observed, the people there are living frugal lives. they earn little income but they are happy with it. they are happy when tourists come. i saw the children play.they always smile everytime we'd get photos of them.

1745-2100- we weren't able to see the sunset. i was more excited with the food. fresh fish for only Php 450.00, a good buy. james 23 started preparing the kilawin while i was giving him instructions; renz cooked rice also helped j set-up the tent; j, summer, and joyce set-up their tents; pompo grilled the other tuna, a quarter of the tanigue and marinated liempo (i cooked oyster and mushrooms in soy sauce added some ginger, garlic, and onion.made banana and cranberry (j's idea) for dessert. we ate dinner on the rectangular lid of the ice box, we placed the viand at the sides and rice at the center of the lid. we ate with our hands (kamayan). food was great! it was a feast. we left some kilawin for pulutan (appetizer). after supper, we went to the spring water to get some and for them to bathe.

2100- a little late and tired for our socials. bonfire was lit. we leaned on a big trunk of a weathered tree, the night was cold and windy. we started drinking lambanog, cracked some jokes, light conversations, recollection of past treks. here, i got to know more about my new friends/acquaintances. j's 'tisop', joyce's 'paraisong hubad' (naked paradise), summer's wedding ring apparition in galera; renz's 'puto-makers in calasiao, pag nasa pilipinas sila (when they're in the philippines)'; pompo's 'techniques' and corny jokes; and my flying 'face towel'. a rainshower ended our socials at around 12 midnight. we only consumed half of the lambanog (it didn't taste good, they probably added some adulterants, most possibly water).

15 March 2009

0130- i woke up and heard renz, joyce, and summer talking about a stolen amount of money. i was too sleepy to rise and just went back to sleep.

0600-woke up. talked about the incident. the thief/thieves stole Php 3,000.00 and all the food we brought except tanigue, rice, and the left-over dessert. it was joyce's money.

0630- morning walk.reflection time. a community would always have those kind of people.co-existence of good and evil. later, the chief tanod (barangay police) would tell us that it serves as a lesson for us tourists. i asked them, why us? but he has a point. we were a bit lax with the locals. they told us it was the first time an incident like that happened. i soon found out that it wasn't when we arrived at sabang. one of the women there told me, the thief usually steals food not money.

0700-0900- went to the barrio to report the incident and buy some bread. people listened as i narrated what happened, they all denied that the thief is from their place. told me people from their place wouldn't do such a thing. the councilor we met was there, the chief and assistant chief tanod were there. they joined when we walked back to the site,they talked to james 23, it was him who saw the thief, he said the thief was wearing white shirt and escaped going to the direction of the barrio. james 23 didn't run after the thief, he called edwin instead.

0900-0945- cooked brunch. grilled tanigue head and fish steak.

0945-1000-swam on the beach. strong waves. cold water.

1000-1045-went to the spring water area and took a bath. got some drinking water as well.

1045- because of the strong waves, the banca can't reach the shore so we had to swim against the big waves. the banca was about 50 meters from the shore. had one painful cramps on my left calf, while i swam towards the banca.

1045-1300- trip to vinzons. Php 375.00. it was a dangerous trip as our banca almost collapsed because of the big waves. i doubt if i'd still go back to that place. but i did enjoy the whole trip. it wasn't easy. it was both the voyage and the destination that mattered. the voyage made us more appreciative of the destination. a well-deserved prize in the absence of a race.

1300-1330-trip to daet. trike and jeepney.Php15.00

1330-1430-lunch at a chinese resto. rice toppings, they ordered halo-halo. i had two bottles of cold cerveza. i think it was the best way to end the trip.

paralysis

yesterday, around one  p.m., i went to the city plaza to read the day's paper and answer the 

crossword puzzle. while i was looking for the comics and puzzle section an old lame man approached me and asked, 'what's the headline?'. i looked for the front page and showed it to him, he murmured something and sat beside me. he started a conversation, 'who do you think will be the next president?', i just replied who the possible contenders are on the 2010 elections. he made some comments about the picture on the front page, it was yesterday's edsa anniversary.

the next question, which really struck me and which kept me thinking even after that conversation, was 'what would you do with your life if you were paralyzed like me?'.  i didn't give an immediate answer, it was both the feeling of pity and surprise for me. i asked, 'how long have you been paralyzed?'.

he had been like that for 8 years, and from what i saw he didn't seem to care about his physical infirmity. i told him, 'i would read a lot of books and write until my time comes, in that sense i would have not wasted my time waiting for death.' 

'wouldn't you feel bad at all? do you think God is responsible for our suffering?' 

'i would feel bad. but do you not think that man's suffering is mainly the consequence of what he

has done in the past? i don't see any reason why man should blame God for all his suffering.'

the conversation lasted for about an hour. it was spontaneous, sarcastic and profound. witty, i would say. he was somehow amused and skeptical why i know such things at my age. 

...tempus tantum nostrum est

'Omnia aliena sunt tempus tantum nostrum est.'

'Nothing is ours except our time.'

                  - Seneca, Epistulae Morales Liber 1.1, Lucilio suo salutem.

I'm currently reading Peter Drucker's 'The Effective Executive'. 

The author sounds like a greek philosopher of management in this book. The book isn't just for executives or for people at the top, it's for people who make decisions in the normal course of their work but have substantial effect on the performance of the whole organization. 

Chapter 2 of the book discusses the importance of time management. Here's something worth reflecting on:

'Time is also a unique resource. Of the other major resources, money is actually quite plentiful.

We long ago should have learned that it is the demand for capital, rather than the supply thereof, which sets the limit to economic growth and activity. People-- the third limiting resource-- one can hire, though one can rarely hire enough good people. But one cannot rent, hire, buy or otherwise obtain more time.

The supply of time is totally inelastic. No matter how high the demand, the supply will not go up. There is no price for it and no marginal utility curve for it. Moreover, time is totally perishable and cannot be stored. Yesterday's time is gone for ever and will never come back. Time is, therefore, always in exceedingly short supply.

Time is totally irreplaceable. Within limits we can substitute one resource for another, copper for aluminum, for instance. We can substitute capital for human labour. We can use more knowledge or more brawn. But there is no substitute for time.'

Please excuse some economic jargons, but the paragraphs above have been clear enough to establish the great value of time, the fact that it is a limiting factor, that it is perishable, and that it is irreplaceable. 

One good question to ponder on: How do we spend time? 

The time we have isn't different from what other people have, still limiting, still perishable and irreplaceable. The difference lies in how people spend it.

caecus

I watched the film entitled "Into great silence", at the last part, it was an old blind monk

reflecting on how he has lived his life in faith. This just clearly supports the thought that physical sight or the ability to see is not an assurance of faith. Here's what the old monk said:

"No.Why be afraid of death?

It is the fate of all humans.

The closer one brings oneself to God,

the happier one is.

It is the end of our lives.

The closer one brings oneself to God,

the happier one is.

The faster one hurries to meet him.

One should have no fear of death.

On the contrary!

For us, it is a great joy

to find a father once again.

The past, the present,

these are human.

In God there is no past.

Solely the present prevails.

And when God sees us,

He always sees our entire life.

And because...He is an infinitely good being...

He eternally seeks our well-being

Therefore, there is no cause for worry

in any of the things which happen to us

I often thank God

that he let me be blinded.

I am sure that he let this happen for the good of 

my soul.

It is a pity that the world has lost all

sense of God.

It is a pity...

They have no reason to live anymore.

When you abolish the thought of God,

why should you go on living on this earth?

One must always part from the principle

that God is infinitely good,

and that all of his actions are in our best interest.

Because of this a Christian should always be happy,

never unhappy.

Because everything that happens is God's will,

and it only happens for the well-being of our soul.

Well, this is the most important.

God is infinitely good, almighty,

and he help us.

This is all one must do, and then one is happy."

Profound. When I watched the blind monk speak it was as if he has seen everything or it

was as if he has seen God. In the spiritual sense it's not impossible. It's easy to remember what was said before, 'they have eyes, but do not see. ears, but do not hear.' 

of fruits and resolutions

they have to light some firecrackers to drive away the bad spirits. loud bangs can't do that for spirits do not have ears and would even be celebrating.

vexations to the human soul. i don't know why people would spend several pesos for some noise even if there's crisis. who knows where the bad spirits go or what they do after those bangs?it's probably business as usual for them. 

people know that january is going to be lean after spending much, but people are ready to suffer just to celebrate the holidays. what could be noisier than pockets almost empty because of too much spending?

some round fruits for luck, for a prosperous year. i don't know how round fruits could make the year prosperous, i've never really seen how this works. but if it does, we would have been prosperous.all of the families who always do this out of tradition would have also been prosperous.we do this almost every year.same old round fruits.but we always arrive at the same outcome.we say that the year has been fair. gained some and lost some.

superficial, that's how we have been celebrating these events.we focus on the manner not the heart of the matter.

is it not clear that the matter or even the reason for these events is more than what we've been doing all along?

felix culpa

happy fault.if man did not fall he would have not experienced what redemption means.

if it wasn't for that fault we wouldn't be here celebrating something important as Christmas.

here is something from thomas merton, a trappist monk:

'why can we not be content with the secret of happiness that God offers us, without consulting

the rest of the world? why do we insist, rather, on a happiness that is approved by the magazines and TV? perhaps because we do not believe in a happiness that is given to us for nothing. we do not think we can be happy with a happiness that has no price tag on it.'

most people would claim or even believe that everything here has a certain value, a certain price.but the most important thing, this is what they do not see, is that the most valuable thing in this world is free. this is the very reason why it's called a gift.

on becoming a philosopher-bum

a bum who devotes much of his time reflecting about life and enjoys talking about it, because he derives a certain degree of joy from these activities, could possibly be a philosopher. it is wrong to dismiss bums as people who do not make much sense because they do not work.

a philosopher who is unemployed and chooses to remain so since he hates labor and never really cares much about his future could possibly be a bum.

we have come to a point where we could say that, philosophers could be bums and bums, philosophers.

if we go futher, we will arrive with the concept of a philosopher-bum.

a philosopher-bum is a person who would prefer thinking or reflecting rather than working. 

or if they have to work, it should also be a source of 'pleasure'. something very close to what they enjoy doing without exerting strenuous effort, say writing or reading. the main argument is that life does not have to be tiring and that one has the choice to do what he's always wanted to do. or if a certain work is tiring, the person wouldn't think much about that aspect, because that particular work is something he enjoys doing.

at this point, it should be clear that philosopher-bums are thinking bums, they only appear to be doing nothing but what we cannot see is that they make great sense out of life than those who give much focus on work. a philosopher-bum is far from an ordinary bum who would rather vegetate (i.e., eat, sleep, and die.)

man lives to work and works to live, but life isn't all about work. man tends to over-exaggerate things.

i believe in the value of work, how it makes life worth living and how it makes sense. man could only be wrong if he starts treating work as an end. that life is all about work and what he earns from it.

today, everyone is expected to be 'doing' something. for us to use time wisely, we have to 'do' something. doing 'nothing' is a great waste of time. we say, one is maximizing his time when he is capable of accomplishing a lot of things in only a matter of a few hours, when one is spending his time wisely if he is occupied most of his waking hours doing something which could make him earn.

thinking, as it is seen today,  is almost as good as doing 'nothing', for with it  a person is unable to accomplish something tangible. ideas are only useful when they are actualized.  i am not saying that it's good to be a bum, the main point is, there are good lessons in a bum's life which workaholics could get from. we all need to be philosophizing-bums sometimes.

it's when we give time to think about the real purpose of life. where it is now and where it is going to.

read

what makes reading different from any other activity?it makes one think. thinking at its peak.(note: the reading material should be mentally stimulating. not all books make people think.) when we say thinking, it means not just accepting facts as they come. if we look at the present scenario, it's all about tv and internet. instant information. what one sees, one accepts without thinking much. reading teaches an individual to ask questions. the right questions. this has become a generation of 'wiki brains'. making us far from intelligence. i remember an instructor relating his experience when he taught at a certain university. he gave his students a research project. about 90% submitted 'copy and paste' paper, complete with the links and ads on each page. what did the students learn? sometimes so much convenience could make learning difficult. there's a big difference between being intelligent and being an intellectual. intelligence is something innate. it doesn't stop with facts. it is more than acquiring knowledge. wiki does a lot of help though, but intelligence does not stop with it, it goes further. intelligence could sometimes be equated with wisdom itself.intellectual people know the answers, but they delve more on trivial matters, information which wouldn't really matter if we knew them or not. they appear to be wise because they know something. but talk about depth and they would not know what to say. these trivial information just eat up our memory storage. mental trash as we call it. reading should rather make us want more. it should make us realize that there is something more than these facts and figures. it deepens knowledge and gradually leads the individual to wisdom. reading should help us become intelligent.when we stop reading, we are choosing the road to mental stagnation. here is something which could help us improve and appreciate reading. something which could make us avoid mental stagnation.

MIBF 2008: WORDS WITHOUT BORDERS

ennui ii

it takes a good friend to tell you that your eyes has become like that of a dead fish.
enthusiasm lost. the will to live is slowly dying.
when day to day living is seen as a burden. waking up means another day of suffering.
routine and the inability to get something new out of the old.boredom.
the eyes of a dead fish is just dark. it doesn't glisten anymore. it simply lack the signs of life. simply dead.
a dead fish in the market. before seeing it there, must have enjoyed swimming in the sea before it was caught and before it slowly died in the absence of water. but it did its purpose. simply swam, ate and even reproduced. lived the life of a fish. did the fish know what its purpose was?
can this also happen to human beings? is this also possible with the way we live? eat, sleep and procreate. yes. probably in the absence of our thinking brains. in the absence of our rational minds. maybe if we didn't have any notion of what boredom is and what it is all about, we wouldn't be suffering this much.
the dead fish didn't have reason, this also applies to live ones. it did not have the mind to tell us that it was as bored as man. or that it wasn't enjoying life.
logically a lower being. maybe.
'maybe' is a thought. an answer to an inquiry of uncertainty. the mind is driven by 'maybes'or 'maybe ifs', if not the two, it would be the great 'what if'.
signs of anxiety.
and this life, as pascal would say it, is full of boredom, inconstancy and anxiety. how can we be happy if we are bound by these three states?
how can one be happy if one finds himself waking up at 3am and makes a dialogue with death? difficult. the person is not sick, he is just asking death. the mind finds death as something senseless, but causes so much anxiety.
diversion is continuously evolving. escapism has become an essential part of existence .can we not see that time is fleeting? everything, temporary. man tends to cling on something or on someone, and it's all because he clings to himself. not wanting to see the real reality. diversion ultimately makes man's life miserable.
i cannot stay in just one place. it is like the randomness of man's thoughts, doesn't follow a certain pattern or order. just goes where it wants to go. just free to wander.
the problem i see here is we tend to savor pain and choose to wallow in it even when we have the choice to be simply happy. and we never get tired, or should i say get bored of boredom itself. we paradoxically enjoy it's company. pascal must be right when he said 'all man's miseries derive from not being able to sit still in a room'. the question now is, who makes life complicated? who causes so much anxiety? sit still in a room. alone. and you'll see that it's mainly the self clinging to the false self.

wisdom

"The only thing I know is that I know nothing."

- Socrates

it is true that wisdom starts with humility.
one must be humble enough to accept the fact
that he doesn't know all and that his knowledge is limited.
you can never fill a vessel which is already full.
it takes great wisdom to know how to listen and know when to talk.
people who are already full of themselves can never be wise
unless they realize that it's time to empty the cup.

on receiving

do not forget to give. give until it hurts. but do not give all. leave something for yourself. this may sound selfish, but it should be clear to us that we cannot give what we do not have or if we do not have anything. i'm not just referring to material things, i'm also talking about intangible things like time, attention, love, etc. giving selflessly is the highest form of this act and this is something we all have to learn. giving selflessly is only possible when the act is done out of love.
it should be clear to us that things just doesn't end with giving. we also have to know how to receive. life is full of needs. sometimes we get what we need and sometimes we don't. not getting what we need is a cause of suffering, a situation we do not like. needing is a sign of our humanity, that we were not created to live alone. the same goes with suffering, we have to accept the fact that this is not an easy life.
receiving should come with a deep sense of gratitude...it should come with thankfulness. one can only be happy when one knows how to be truly thankful. yes, there's so much to be thankful for. they are not just the good things that happen to our lives but also the pains and hardships. from them we draw our sense of maturity, from them we learn how to trust Him more.

thoughts on giving

it was a thursday morning, riding the bus for work, the woman beside me pulled out the day's paper from her bag tried to look for a certain page. while she was doing this, the sports section fell.she then picked it up (she might have noticed i was staring at her) and gave that section to me and said, 'it's yours, i don't read sports'. i gave her a morning's smile. but i also don't read sports. i didn't want to show any sign of rejection. i forced myself to read sports. but it saved me almost an hour's worth of boredom.i thanked the woman before she went off the bus.
i don't intend to speak ill of the woman. what happened that morning made me ask myself, do i also know how to give? if i do, what do i usually give? and why do i give? this reflection reminds me of a priest saying in his homily, 'giving has to hurt for it to be really giving'. those words struck me. it somehow changed how and why i give. before, it was all about the things i would get in return after giving. looking at it, expecting something in return alters the real meaning of the act. it becomes trading. 'give me that before i give you this' or 'i'll give you this but you also have to give that to me'. this was how it worked. it was like investing on something and 'gaining' profit from it. it didn't do good at all. i always ended up being disappointed for not getting what i expected.
it takes time to learn how to truly give. giving without thinking about the benefits. without thinking about ourselves. giving until it hurts.

in the absence of internet

our inflation rate is 11.4%, the highest since May 1994 and it's something we can experience everyday. soaring prices of commodities and weakening purchasing power. prices dictate how and what we buy. knowing the difference between what is a necessity and what is luxury could help. i do not want to discuss this matter further as we may just end up claiming that we are becoming poor and that money could redeem us.
you may have noticed that it has been more than a month since i posted an entry. the reason for this is that i do not have access to the internet. the negative effect of resigning from a company which provides laptop you can bring home and use for other purposes aside from work. before i gave the laptop back, i was really worried how it could affect my life. life in the absence of internet could be tormenting, but it isn't. the only difference is i'm beginning to write again, literally speaking, i.e. using pen and paper. a 'downgrade' as my aunt said. my reflections are again written on paper. and i would post some here if i get the chance to have access.
i got a new job and i'm still adjusting to the new environment. to date i have had 4 jobs. starting as an agricultural technician or more of a farmer in nueva ecija, a call center agent, an english teacher for koreans, a consultant, and now an analyst. i don't know what's next. it has been a very good adventure. i sound like i'm going to die. who knows when anyway?
last sunday my best friend and i attended mass in diliman, it was our first time there. the priest was full of enthusiasm, it was as if it was his last mass, he's probably in his thirties. giving all the energy and life. and that convinced me. when he gave his homily, it was not to convince the people but to appear as a witness. i wish i could also have that enthusiasm. may we have the eyes and ears to see how each day is different from the other and that there is no reason as to why we should be bored. even boredom brings something new if we try to reflect about it.

time

“The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so.”
-Blaise Pascal

We only have here and now. We only have the present. The past is something we do not have anymore and the future is something we do not have yet. I have observed that an individual would either cling to his/her past or dwell in his/her future, it's quite rare meeting people who live their lives in the present. I know it's difficult to live in the present, it often brings boredom and truth which we always avoid. Some people would spend the present indifferently, knowing that time is fleeting and all would just be part of the past. Some would choose not to experience the present because they are more concerned with the future, this is when people would make the present a means to achieve a goal. Working for a good future, working for good life. It's when people wake up and hasten their lives to success. They want to be there, where life is convenient because they have all what they want in the material sense.
The other week I spent my time in the beach, I watched the sea, the sunset and the children playing. And yes I experienced the present there, I was deeply aware of what was happening around me. The stillness of the present brings about contentment and the realization that happiness is always there. I remember someone saying, 'there is no key to happiness for the door is always open'. There's certainly nothing wrong with planning our future, what are dreams for? Dreams exist so that we could all have something to look forward to. But it's important to know that every day we are given the choice to live in the present and really live every moment. Why do we have to go looking for the key when the door is always open and it could be found in our hearts? If we want to be happy, we have to embrace life and for us to embrace life, we have to learn how to live in the present.

What does love look like?

What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

-St. Augustine

Ergo, I have seen love. We have seen love.
Let us hasten to the poor and needy, those who are unwanted.
Let us not be blind to those who are experiencing misery.
Let us not be deaf to the sighs and sorrows.

It's not new when we hear that the self is becoming the center of life.
When selfishness is becoming a virtue to replace love.
Because of the fear that people may not love us in return.
Because of our insecurities, we choose to love ourselves.
It's true that it's difficult to trust other people and that we have to be cautious.
But we have seen and experienced love.
We could still see people who are not afraid to love.
Love still thrives even in the midst of anger and selfishness.

Love created love. Love is to be shared, it was never created to be kept all by ourselves.
Man's humanity lies in the fact that he has the ability to love.
This is what makes man different from any other creature.
For man to truly express his humanity and therefore to truly live, he has to love.
I share the same belief that love is something we do not learn, it is
already inside us, we have the choice of either letting it sleep until we die or waking it up. If we choose to just let it sleep, we could be dead even before we die. When we choose to wake it up, we are choosing to live for it is the very core of this life.

Deus caritas est. Not because we love but because He has loved us first.

respect

i am quoting from a text conversation with a friend, dated 12 January 2005. i went through my notes of philosophical conversations last weekend after attempting to organize my room and i found this one:

"we're all significantly different beings. what may calm your heart may not calm mine.
what may be noise to you may be music to me.
but would it mean that it's not God who's calming my heart?
or singing me that peaceful music?
God doesn't speak in one voice alone.
He can be every voice you can ever hear.
if only you can admit that you do not know everything.
then you can hear Him and learn with your heart."

this was part of our discussion about religious differences. i found these words to be worth pondering upon. i've observed that we could actually be judgmental about other people without looking at ourselves. especially when we see people who belong to different religions. we tend to think that the path we're walking on is the only path and the things we believe should also be the things that other people should believe. we tend to think that we're way better than others in terms of what we believe. respect. this is a word that is continuously losing its sense, it's perhaps dying. when people would just choose to close their minds. missing the very Truth. we choose to be deaf and blind to what other people believe. we fail to see or even fail to hear what they're doing and what they are saying. war isn't really far from possible if our minds are closed.we begin to judge people according to what they believe basing it from what we believe. if it happens that we don't believe the same things or see things the same way they do, we suddenly conclude that they are wrong, that they are committing terrible mistakes. the other day, a good friend told me that discussions that would include God isn't worth discussing at all. my friend must have learned that all it does is cause trouble that could ruin relationships. i think it's a wise observation. respect, as i see it, is not similar to apathy. respect is far from it, respect isn't being indifferent. it's the awareness of other people's beliefs or views whether we agree or not. it's simply seen or experienced when we listen to what other people say or when other people listen to what we are saying. it's when we treat other people how they're supposed to be treated. in the midst of religious or cultural differences, we have the universal concept of respect.

ennui

i remember when i was just ten years old. i woke up one morning and realized i am alive and it made me feel very lonely. i woke from a very deep slumber. i still remember that morning so vividly, the deep green stencil (leaves) on the wall and the rusty ceiling with cobwebs. i didn't know what time was it, for i didn't care much about time, i was too young to care or even worry about time. i was just learning how to read time. my time, to tell you the truth, was composed of my parents, they were the ones who told me what and when to do things. they were the stuff my time was made of.
let me go back to that morning. the room was bright, the windows were open. i listened to the sound of the fan. the moment i opened my eyes, i just stared at the ceiling, thinking about God was optional, i didn't think it was required. elementary years. all i knew then was that God was someone we always discussed in our religion class. i really didn't know much. and i didn't know that i didn't know much. knowing was something i didn't know at that age. my parents just sent me to school. and i was, to be honest, too lazy to go to school. it was something i found unnecessary. life was going to school five days a week and playing (upon parents' consent) on weekends.
that morning. i didn't know what day it was, but i'm quite sure it wasn't a weekday. my parents didn't wake me up to tell me that i had to go to school. it was a day i should be happy about but i wasn't. it made me really lonely. it must be because i realized that rest was just saturday and sunday. and the 'not-so-good' days start from monday to friday. i didn't know that the society made these schools, where children could stay and 'learn' while their parents work. i was probably too lazy that time, and i don't know if i still am. school made me think that life could be so boring. it wasn't my concept of living and enjoying life.
this morning i was thinking about that morning, almost fourteen years ago. what would have happened if i rejected attending school? everything would be different from what is happening now. i have a clear notion of time. i somehow learned how to plan. i'm living my life independently. obedience isn't bad after all. and boredom, as i saw it before, could be fun sometimes. and i was never really wrong when i trusted my parents.
for the times i believed that they have made me suffer, i ask for pardon.

evol

a good friend observed that the word 'love' is often mentioned almost in every entry on this blog and said it's becoming trite. i asked my friend, 'do you easily get tired of the words you often see or hear?' and answered 'it's something i never really thought of, probably, probably not'. which leads me to another question, are there words that we really never get tired of using, seeing or hearing?
maybe i could replace the word 'love' with 'evol' so that it would always have the same freshness and would never run dry. but the emotion would never be the same again, one would have to rationalize the concept of 'evol' as something similar to that of 'love'. it's never easy to introduce new words, but it's something one could always do, what is more difficult is to introduce new meanings, new sense. reflecting about that comment made me think that we could really get tired of words, reading or hearing the same things again and again. our lives are, in a way, dictated by words and the meaning attached to them. most people i know want to see or hear something new. life for them, has become monotonous. some have tried to be creative enough so that they could cope with monotony. thinking of what could make a day different from the other, be it an activity or a change in one's lifestyle. but some people i've met would, and i'm amazed by this, still use the same old words but give out a really good smile, a very happy disposition in life.
i'm wondering how they could maintain the freshness of the same old words they've been using since they were born. they don't experience any monotony. every time you see and hear them speak, you could see it in their eyes, the awe and the life. they didn't need to create new words, they never got tired of the same old words. they speak as if it's their first time to use those old words. enthusiasm, that's what i always see in these people. i believe newness is something we could get from within... it's not what we always see or hear but how we see or hear. if we choose to let the words fade or not. it's never really difficult if inside us is someone who would always have the awe, the ability to wonder even in the midst of 'monotony'.
evol is creative. it makes all things new.

absolute uncertainty

There are only three sorts of people: those who have found God and serve him; those who are busy seeking him and have not found him; those who live without either seeking or finding him. The first are reasonable and happy, the last are foolish and unhappy, those in the middle are unhappy and reasonable.

-Blaise Pascal

(My personal reflection brought me to the mystery of prayer and the life of prayer. This is perhaps the first time I will be talking about God, I would just like to make it clear that I have no intention of preaching or even contradicting others, as I respect people of different faith or beliefs. If you have queries or other interesting ideas, feel free to ask or tell me.)

Prayer, as I see it, is simply a dialogue with God. It may sound really easy, but it's not. Back in elementary and even high school, prayers were verbally recited as far as one's memory could go, they were words which one had to memorize (out of force if i may say), these words sounded really holy and they were to be said seriously, they were words i really didn't understand, i just recited them for me to show how obedient I was to the teachers, whom I thought never committed any sin and were too clean to teach us how to pray. I never really knew the true value of prayer. Come university life, I joined a religious community and became inactive for two years, went back and served as its head. I would say that my spiritual life grew in the university parish, it was when I prayed with my eyes closed, talking to God. I didn't really care if he was listening or not, I just talked to him and tried listening to him sometimes. Just last year, that's two years after my stay in the university, I was rationalizing if I really needed to pray, I kept on asking to whom am I praying to? If he is really there, does he answer my prayers or is it just me deciding if I'll work and get what I'm praying and what I prayed for? It's not easy to believe someone I do not see or even feel the presence of. It's not easy to pray if the mind is full of uncertainty. I was simply claiming that I could live without praying, and yes, I tried it myself, I tried not to pray or even rejected prayer as something senseless or even useless. I could sleep peacefully without praying, I did that for about three months, and during those times, it wasn't really peaceful and I wasn't really happy with what I was doing. I tried praying again, and I have to say it's different now, it's more of the will that's working, not mere emotions. Doubt, that's perhaps what the rational mind does, but faith, something above reason itself, tells me that He exists and that He is always listening. I'm beginning to accept that a life of prayer is a life of struggle. it's when the heart begins to say something the mind knows nothing of.

paradox

"In some way, however, small and secret, each of us is a little mad...Everyone is lonely at bottom and cries to be understood; but we can never entirely understand someone else, and each of us remains part stranger even to those who love us...It is the weak who are cruel; gentleness is to be expected only from the strong...Those who do not know fear are not really brave, for courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined...You can understand people better if you look at them---no matter how old or impressive they may be---as if they are children. For most of us never mature; we simply grow taller...Happiness comes only when we push our hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable...The purpose of life is to matter---to count, to stand for something, to have it make some some difference that we lived at all."

-Leo Rosten

paradoxical life.it is true that we could be dead even before we die...we could live a lifeless life.we could be slaves of our very own freedom. we could be poor even if we have material wealth. nothing in everything. noise in silence. order in chaos. talk about playing with words, but these are verifiable experiences.we could end up really confused. lost. lonely.
we want to be happy.
i have met a lot of people who still hope even in the midst of darkness. they still believe that there will come a time that they will see the light. it really inspires me seeing these kind of people. they are not materially rich, but it's not difficult for them to be happy. these people know what really makes them happy. they know what is essential and they know why it is.
we have to live and embrace life as it is.

mors

"At dawn the wind came that took Freddie from his branch. It didn't hurt at all. He felt himself float quietly, gently and softly downward. As he fell, he saw the whole tree for the first time. How strong and firm it was! He was sure that it would live for a long time and he knew that he had been part of its life and made him proud.
Freddie landed on a clump of snow. It somehow felt soft and even warm. In this new position he was more comfortable than he had ever been. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He did not know that Spring would follow Winter and that the snow would melt into water. He did not know that what appeared to be his useless dried self would join with the water and serve to make the tree stronger. Most of all, he did not know that there, asleep in the tree and the ground, were already plans for new leaves in the Spring."

- "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf", Leo Buscaglia


Death. An inevitable reality. It could make one speak of silence and the noise it brings. It could awaken fear. It could lead to the very meaning of life. It's bound to happen and we do not have any choice.we just do not know when and how it is going to happen.fear of the unknown.

Why is it that most of the time one learns to appreciate life only when it is approaching death?
Life begins to show its true value. Every second, minute or hour becomes something of importance. There is, as much as possible, the struggle to make sense out of the remaining time. One begins to value the unseen...one begins to learn how to truly see.
Why is it that one would resolve to be a better person only at the point of realizing that life is about to end? Before, it didn't matter if the action was good or not. It's the fact that one has to enjoy life while still young, not to worry about the consequences. Let tomorrow worry itself.
One, near death, would begin to see or even feel the difference of good from wrong...of light from darkness.One learns to truly hear the voice within...the heart...the very core of being.

One doesn't have to wait for death to say, 'you should change in a few minutes for i'm not very far'.

The saddest experience perhaps is when one realizes only at the time near death, that man has the power to love and he never did and that he has been loved but never loved back.

words

"The words you speak today should be soft and tender ... for tomorrow you may have to eat them."

- Unknown

yes. words. what we say, what we hear, and what we see. we experience words everyday. we use them to express ourselves, convey what's in our minds. some words could really make us feel good. some, challenge us. flatter us. and even hurt us. some words, and i see this as the most important, could make us believe them and greatly affect how we live our lives. what could make us believe in words? i have observed that it's very easy for us to believe specially if we find them convenient for our lives, not really thinking about the harmful outcome of becoming deaf or blind to the essential words we're suppose to 'see' or listen to. with these we form our own truths and we live these truths. we all are in search of Truth but most of the time we are the one's who create our own truths depending on how convenient it is for us. most of the time we only choose to believe convenient 'truths'.

the words we use vary and sometimes they go against our actions, we begin to eat our words when we don't practice what we have 'preached', we begin to be hypocrites. most words just come out even without thinking much before saying them. i believe that there's also a need to listen to the words we say, or simply to think before we speak. let us be more aware and let us choose the words we say, the words we use. we should never forget the importance of silence. if we have nothing good to say let us keep our silence and surely we will never regret it for doing so.

Listen

Here's something from Anthony de Mello's book "The Song of the Bird", the title is "Did you hear that bird sing?". The author was a Jesuit priest.

Did you hear that bird sing?

The disciple was always complaining

to his master, "You are hiding

the final secret of Zen from me." And

he would not accept the master's denials.

One day they were walking in the hills

when they heard a bird sing.

"Did you hear that bird sing?" said

the master.

"Yes," said the disciple.

"Well now you know that I have hidden

nothing from you."

"Yes."

- Life has become really noisy and complicated that I sometimes find it silly listening to the song of the birds. I remember the time when I still wonder about the things around me, the things I see, feel, and hear, the time when I still had that certain awe we could always see in kids. Now, everything is different.

Why do I always forget to listen to the song of the birds? Sometimes I am deaf to what I'm supposed to listen to. Listening has become selective, I only choose what's useful for me and never absorb other things which I believe is useless or even senseless.

POVERTY

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty.

- Mother Teresa

Think about what really makes us rich and what makes us poor. Think about what we should really value in this life. We all end up thinking about the people we love and the people who love us. A good friend texted me the other day 'it's nice to feel that you're wanted. it means that you're doing some good.' , he was speaking from what he had experienced, he felt that he was appreciated and even wanted. They are truly happy, those who know how to be thankful for the fact that they are loved. They are truly happy, those who never fail to recognize that fact, they know that they are rich...May we never get tired of letting other people feel that they are also wanted...that they are also loved.

recollection

here's a personal reflection about diversion and darkness dated 26 January 2006, about two years ago. this was written in my uncle's place in pasig when i was still 22, i can't exactly remember what my situation was that time but just reading it tells me that i was going through certain difficulties in life, lacking sense of direction...a dialogue with misery. misery was my companion and she remains to be so. suffering is something i'm afraid to face but the only choice i have is to accept it:

the mind would always want to capture happy moments.
frequently, it dwells in the past. it rarely appreciates the present.
the present brings pain and sadness...things the mind couldn't freely accept...
thus the struggle...slavery from within.the mind clearly becomes a slave of the past.
every struggle brings about darkness...the feeling of being lost.
the loneliness of having no one..of having no companion.the feeling of being alone.
the absence of sight and light.
the heart wants to be free..but the struggle goes on...because of attachment.
it has become a habit.there is great difficulty in changing a certain habit...especially if it
brings 'pleasure'.the feeling of emptiness...life has become senseless.
the mind tends to want more, never really gets contented with the present.
this is perhaps the very reason why man has this so called 'diversion', a 'reality'
he has created to cover reality itself...something that could 'free' him...a form of escape.
Diversion has become an end...this makes things more difficult for man to achieve what
happiness truly is...man today, has a distorted definition of happiness.

Deus absconditus.

" What is incomprehensible
does not cease to exist."
- Blaise Pascal

Tabaco, Albay. The other day I visited my friends' place there and bought some pineapple wine. It's been about a year since the last time we met. The normal travel time takes about three hours from Naga City but my trip yesterday took about five hours. It was a tiring trip, I should've rode the van as there was none when I arrived at the terminal. One good thing with that long and tedious trip was the chance to take several photo shots of the famous Mt. Mayon and a chance to reflect a bit about how I have spent my time this year.

thoughts

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing"

Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas.

- Blaise Pascal

"Pensees" (French, literally means "thoughts") is the title of a book by Blaise Pascal defending the Christian religion (Apology of the Christian Religion) and his reflections on the human condition. What is really interesting
about this book is Pascal's perspective of man's nature/condition and his concept of 'the heart' or 'coeur' as the center of our very being.
Pascal was probably a very boring person the fact that he was a mathematecian, a physicist and a religious philosopher. The book tells a lot about the way he looks at human reality...describing man's condition as inconstancy, boredom, and anxiety and that for man to address or more of escape this condition he has come up with DIVERSION.
From a personal standpoint, the book has in a way, made me see life in a different light. It has somehow made me a rational person but not to the point of forgetting the fact that emotion is also a gift like reason. Reason and emotion are both part of the 'package' and that it is a continuous struggle to attain balance, that is the right use of both emotion and reason. Thinking too much won't do us any good, the same applies with feeling too much.