ennui

i remember when i was just ten years old. i woke up one morning and realized i am alive and it made me feel very lonely. i woke from a very deep slumber. i still remember that morning so vividly, the deep green stencil (leaves) on the wall and the rusty ceiling with cobwebs. i didn't know what time was it, for i didn't care much about time, i was too young to care or even worry about time. i was just learning how to read time. my time, to tell you the truth, was composed of my parents, they were the ones who told me what and when to do things. they were the stuff my time was made of.
let me go back to that morning. the room was bright, the windows were open. i listened to the sound of the fan. the moment i opened my eyes, i just stared at the ceiling, thinking about God was optional, i didn't think it was required. elementary years. all i knew then was that God was someone we always discussed in our religion class. i really didn't know much. and i didn't know that i didn't know much. knowing was something i didn't know at that age. my parents just sent me to school. and i was, to be honest, too lazy to go to school. it was something i found unnecessary. life was going to school five days a week and playing (upon parents' consent) on weekends.
that morning. i didn't know what day it was, but i'm quite sure it wasn't a weekday. my parents didn't wake me up to tell me that i had to go to school. it was a day i should be happy about but i wasn't. it made me really lonely. it must be because i realized that rest was just saturday and sunday. and the 'not-so-good' days start from monday to friday. i didn't know that the society made these schools, where children could stay and 'learn' while their parents work. i was probably too lazy that time, and i don't know if i still am. school made me think that life could be so boring. it wasn't my concept of living and enjoying life.
this morning i was thinking about that morning, almost fourteen years ago. what would have happened if i rejected attending school? everything would be different from what is happening now. i have a clear notion of time. i somehow learned how to plan. i'm living my life independently. obedience isn't bad after all. and boredom, as i saw it before, could be fun sometimes. and i was never really wrong when i trusted my parents.
for the times i believed that they have made me suffer, i ask for pardon.